


Never Forget

by Annie46fic



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Amnesia, F/M, Future Fic, Hurt Jared Padalecki, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, christmas gift prompt fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-01
Updated: 2013-12-01
Packaged: 2018-01-03 02:34:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1064711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annie46fic/pseuds/Annie46fic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In 2015 Jared is facing divorce and still pining for Jensen.  He remembers the early days when they were in a passionate relationship, recalls how much he loved Jensen until the powers that be tore them apart.  <br/>When Jared has an accident on set Jensen stays by his bedside and when Jared wakes up he believes it is still 2006 and that the two of them were still in a relationship.  How will Jensen react?  And can the two of them reconcile what they had then with what they have now?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Forget

**Author's Note:**

> This was written as a Christmas gift for costsofregret on LJ (hope you like it – I tried to merge all of your prompts into this!) Merry Christmas xx
> 
> The medical details in this fic are not very accurate - I think I made up the condition Jared has to fit in nicely with the story. Please forgive me!

**Season 11 2015**

His footsteps echo hollowly in the empty hallway. Something soft catches beneath the toe of his boot and he bends down to see a threadbare donkey lying pathetically on its side. A wry smile catches his lips as he picks it up and holds it, briefly, against his chest. It was once Tom’s favorite but now, like him, it has been abandoned.

A door closing behind him makes him jump and he turns to see Gen standing there. She cocks her eyebrow at the donkey clutched in his hands.

“Aren’t you a bit old for that?”

He manages a smile even though there is a lump in his throat and he can feel the salt sting of tears.

“Thought I might take him with me.” He shrugs. “For old time’s sake.”

“Jared – we’re moving to Seattle, not Timbuktu.” She moves over to him and puts a carefully manicured hand on his arm. “You know you are always welcome. I said we were friends, and I meant it.”

“I’m so sorry,” he blurts out, unable to hold it back. “I should never have . . . .”

“We had four good years together, and a couple of lovely sons.” Her smile is genuine. “It wasn’t your fault,” she adds, gently. “I know you were pressured into it.”

“I did love you,” he says, unable to hold back the tears.

“I know.” She put her arms around him then and held him tightly to her as if he was a child. “But you always loved him best.”

****

**Season 1 – 2006**

“You’re supposed to be unconscious and bleeding to death.” Jared poked Jensen hard in the ribs. “So stop looking at the camera.”

Jensen’s laugh was loud, head tipped back, eyes closed. Jared felt a stab of warmth, unable to hold back his own mirth.

“Guys . . . ,” Kim tone was amusement mixed with exasperation. “I’d like to wrap up before midnight. Someone told me there was a party somewhere.”

Jared grinned; end of Season party, but not, hopefully, end of the series altogether. He nudged Jensen again.

“We should pull it together,” he said, loudly. “Get this old man to the party before he turns into a pumpkin or somethin’.”

Under an hour later and they were in the SUV on their way to some swanky up-town restaurant that had been hired for the wrap party. They had already started on the beer and Jared felt a warm flush run through him, unsure whether it was alcohol or something different entirely.

“Wish Clif weren’t up front right now,” he whispered as he leaned into Jensen, biting quick and sharp at his lobe.

“If he wasn’t _up front_ we’d have to drive ourselves,” Jensen, older and wiser, huffed. “And no beer would be had.”

“As much as I like beer,” Jared let his voice drop an octave, low and encouraging. “I’d like to make out more.”

Jensen shook his head pretending to be annoyed but failing miserably. 

“We can make out after the party,” he promised. “After all, we’ve a few days grace before we head back home.”

“Don’t wanna’ go back to Texas.” Jared thought he’d look forward to some downtime at home, thought he should be excited at seeing his parents and family again. But with his parents, came Sandy, and with Sandy came guilt. He hadn’t meant to be unfaithful but there was no way on Earth he could stop, not now, not ever.

“Hiatus will do us both good,” Jensen’s voice was low, gentle. “Maybe it will give us space to think.”

“What do we need to think about?” Jared was on the verge of stamping his foot like a child. “We . . . we’re together now.”

“Do you really want this?” Jensen’s eyes were bright, green and sharp, capable of seeing into his very soul.

“Yeah,” he answered and swallowed down everything, guilt, shame and denial. “Yeah I do.”

****

**2015**

The bar was almost deserted; a bottle of whiskey stood half empty next to him and he felt like an alcoholic drinking alone.

He knew he should be in his new apartment unpacking boxes, making himself at home, settling in before filming started again but instead he was here rather than facing the inevitable.

 

Ten years of his life gone in an instant, a heartbeat. Ten years and yet he still felt like a directionless child. He stared out of the window into the inky night. Jensen was out there somewhere, maybe he was reading Justice a bedtime story, perhaps he and Danneel were having a nice quiet meal together, all romantic and warm. He swallowed down stupid bitterness and wiped at his eyes. It was no good wishing, it was too late now. He had made his bed and now, now he had to lie in it.

****

**2006**

t was just sex at the beginning; pure lust and the constant longing to _jump each other’s bones_. Jared had always been bi, but he had managed to hide it, managed to resist temptation and settle down with a nice girl just like his momma wanted. Sandy was perfect, beautiful, funny, intelligent, everything he wanted in a partner. She made him a better person and he was determined to marry her one day.

Then he met Jensen.

Jensen was older than him; more experienced. Jensen had helped him through those first few agonizing weeks when he was certain he would never be able to cut it as Sam, that he would never make the grade as a serious actor. Jensen took him under his wing, took him drinking, and made him laugh. They learned their lines together, worked out scenes in their trailers. He hadn’t imagined he would ever meet someone he had so much in common with, both of them Texans, both of them middle children, both loving beer, steak and football. It wasn’t until Jensen kissed him for the first time that he realized that they had something else in common too.

****

**2015**

Filming starts at _ass o’ clock_ before the sun is even up.

Jared’s mouth is dry, head pounding from a surfeit of whiskey mixed with an unhealthy dose of self-pity. He shudders in the cold morning air, breath catching, misty against the dullness of dawn.

He glances across to Jensen’s trailer, sees a light burning yellow in the window. Once upon a time that would have meant something, a stupid signal from one lover to another. _Coast’s clear_. He shudders again and breathes into his hands. He is too old and too sober for any of this.

****

**2006**

It was fun and hot at first; sneaking in and out of each other’s trailers, hand jobs in the back of the Impala during lunch breaks, Jensen going down on him in the john during the Paley event. Jared couldn’t get enough of his co-star, couldn’t keep his hands to himself. Even at red carpet events he had to wrap himself around Jensen, try to kiss him, run across the room to jump him. Neither of them considered it to be serious, it was just a distraction, some sort of relief for the both of them, best friends with best benefits. It was all light-hearted porny fun. 

Until it wasn’t.

****  
 **2015**

Mark Sheppard is huddled by the craft tent drinking English tea, sent specially from his relations. He nods with a slight smile and offers Jared his cup. Steam rises from it and he is tempted just to take one swallow but he has never gotten used to taking his tea with milk preferring it black and iced.

“You ok, Moose?”

The old nickname stings a bit; reminds him of times past, of dark days, despair and pain. He wished – sometimes – that they really had ended it in Season 5, gone out on a high. Maybe if they had, he and Jensen might have . . . he shakes his head as if to clear it. Going down that road isn’t doing him any good, he should just let it be, let it go. 

“Yeah – fucking cold.” He shivers, exaggerates the movement. “Coffee,” he barks to the girl behind the counter. “Make it black.” He is suddenly aware at how rude and churlish he sounds and he softens it with a smile. “Please.”

Mark is side-eyeing him and he shrugs.

“Finished packing.” He didn’t owe Mark any sort of explanation, he didn’t owe anyone but it helped to let it out. “Moving to my own place.” He forced a smile. “Should be in there before Christmas.”

“You don’t have to spend it on your own, you know.” Mark’s face was carefully blank. “Your family would be glad to see you.”

Jared nodded, salt taste in his throat hot and strong again. He knew his mom was mad at him, even if she didn’t say it in so many words. He knew his dad was disappointed that he hadn’t managed to stay married. They were concerned about not seeing their grandsons and although he had every faith in Gen, knew she wasn’t that cruel he was finding it hard to convince them.

“Might just chill out here,” he mumbled, glancing over to Jensen’s trailer, eyes wincing at the yellow light that wavered there. “It usually snows.”

Mark’s eyes showed sympathy and he patted Jared’s shoulder gently. 

“Yes moose,” he said, fondly. “It usually snows.”

****

**2006**

It was towards the end of Season one when he realized that he was in love with Jensen and, to his shock and delight, Jensen was in love with him.

Things changed so quickly that it made his head spin; suddenly it wasn’t about sex anymore, it was about nights staying in watching TV, buttered popcorn soft in their mouths. It was about sneaking out to the late night movie shows in downtown Vancouver, it was about hiding in their respective trailers, making love now, everything becoming deeper, more emotional, neither of them realizing just how far this thing was going.

They hid it from everyone; the producers, Eric, their families, their respective partners. He still spent his vacation with Sandy, still went home to his family. He felt pretty low about it but Jensen was worth it, and what they had was worth it.

****

**2015**

The set designers were putting the final touches to the Winchester’s _seedy_ motel room. This morning they were filming a scene where Sam was attacked by Crowley, the demon throwing him across the room and smashing his head against the wall. It wasn’t dangerous and Jared liked doing his own stunts. It involved him wearing a harness but it didn’t particularly phase him and he often looked forward to filming something like this.

Today though he wasn’t feeling himself; what with the divorce and his pending move everything seemed off-kilter. His head hurt and he felt nauseous, stomach churning as he wandered onto the set.

Jensen was sitting in his usual chair holding his script; he looked tired and Jared wanted nothing more than to go over and hug him. Despite everything they were still friends but they certainly weren’t as tactile as they used to be and there always seemed as if there was a barrier between them.

“Hey.” Jensen looked up as Jared came over. “Ready to roll?”

“Yeah.” He managed a nod, and a dry, unconvincing smile. “You?”

“Of course, one more day and then its hiatus.” Jensen tapped his script. “No more early mornings, huh?”

Jared shook his head, not trusting himself to speak; he knew Jensen knew; everyone knew. His divorce had been the main subject of discussion among the cast and crew and it had made most of the cheap gossip columns too. His heart ached even more than his head did and he felt exhausted, barely able to lift his arms as they began to fasten the harness onto his chest. He glanced back at Jensen who was watching him with something that may have been concern.

“Jared – you ready?” Bob Singer’s voice rang out across the set and he gave a slight nod of confirmation. He felt the pull of the harness on his chest and he gritted his teeth suddenly wishing he hadn’t agreed to this.

Mark took his position and they began the scene. Jared lost himself to Sam Winchester and, before he knew it, Mark was waving his arm and Jared was suddenly flying through the air.

Everything whooshed and whirled around him as he flew backwards, his whole body tensed for impact. Suddenly his head snapped back and thumped hard against something more solid than the set; he felt pain, confusion, the wet panic of blood and then he felt nothing at all.

****

**2007**

Towards the end of Season two they got called into Eric’s office. The two of them felt like naughty schoolboys as they were ushered in. Eric, usually smiling and tactile sat behind his desk, his eyes fixed on the two of them. 

“Are these rumors true?” He came straight out with it, no preamble.

Jensen glanced across at Jared, slight panic in his eyes.

“What rumors?” His voice was low, rough.

“You know.” Eric’s eyes narrowed but his expression wasn’t without sympathy. “There have been rumblings around the set and on the internet, rumors about the two of you.”

Jared swallowed down a lump in his throat. He wanted to reach across and take Jensen’s hand in his, wanted to _come out_ there and then, confess to everything. He wanted everyone to know he loved Jensen and that Jensen loved him, but one look at Jensen’s horrified face brought him back down to earth.

“I don’t know what you heard,” he said, tone flat. “But I can’t believe you actually think any of that was true.” He breathed in deep through his nose. “We’re friends – nothing more.”

“You certain?” Eric wasn’t stupid but he couldn’t prove anything.

“Yeah.” Jared felt his heart break a little and he wished that things could be different. “I’m certain.”

And that was all it took.  
****

**2015**

Jensen was up and running before he could even think clearly.

Jared lay on his back, legs splayed, and the pool of thick red liquid gathering beneath his head making Jensen heave. 

“He hit the wall.” 

From behind him he heard the thunder of footsteps and the one set doctor was suddenly on his hands and knees. He turned to Jensen, eyes urgent.

“Call an ambulance,” he urged. “Tell them to come as quickly as they can. I have a male, mid-thirties, suspected fractured skull. I’m not attempting to move him until they have checked for spinal injuries.”

“He hit the wall,” Jensen said, again, dumbly. “He shouldn’t have hit the wall.”

“Please.” The doctor was kneeling over Jared, his hands on Jared’s chest. Jensen stared for a moment and then pulled his cell from his pocket and tapping out the number as fast as his fingers would allow.

Robert Singer was screaming at one of the special effects guys; on set there was chaos, people shouting, running, the noise almost unbearable. 

Sirens told Jensen the ambulance was close and he ran outside so he could guide it in. He felt numb, shock making his hands and legs shake, his stomach rolling as he saw the medics drop down next to Jared, saw them examining his friend, saw more blood, Jared’s face white, his usual tanned skin looking thin and almost translucent. 

“We need to get him to a hospital,” the first medic was already calling on ahead. “No spinal damage but definite head trauma.”

Jensen watched as they lifted Jared onto the gurney. He followed as they wheeled his friend out. He wanted to be with Jared, he needed to be with Jared.

“Do you want to come in the ambulance, Mr. Ackles?” The first paramedic looked at him with some sympathy. “Maybe you could call Mr. Padalecki’s family.”

“His family live in Texas,” Jensen’s voice sounded thick even to his own ears and he felt stupid tears sting his lashes. “His wife and children have just gone back to Idaho.” He looked up at the medic. “I’m all he has here.”

“Then get in,” the guy said. “We need to get him to hospital as soon as we can.”

“Is he . . . ?” Jensen didn’t even want to ask the question, because he was terrified of the answer.

“He’s stable,” the medic said and then Jensen was clambering into the vehicle, squatting down beside Jared and holding his limp hand. 

All he could do now was pray.

****

It was hot in the hospital; the stink of disinfectant strong in his nostrils. He hated the half-light of ICU, the constant beep of the machines. He stared down at Jared who lay still and silent on the bed, chest rising and falling. His eyes were closed and his face was white against the thin cotton of the pillow. Jensen was relieved that he wasn’t intubated, but the bandage around his head was just as scary.

He clung to his friends hand and prayed.

****

Jensen could still remember that day in Kripke’s office. It was the day that changed everything. He remembered Jared’s voice as he told Eric there was nothing between them but friendship, recalled the pain in his lover’s eyes.

Only now could Jensen admit to himself how stupid he had been; he hadn’t wanted to come out at that point – at any point – and it was clear that Jared was disappointed in him. 

They had continued to see each other; continued to love each other but it wasn’t the same, would never be the same again. Jared seemed suddenly confused. He got engaged to Sandy, he broke up with Sandy. He was all over the place, not the man Jensen had fallen so in love with. He still played the goof for others but Jensen got to see how he really was; miserable, upset, longing for something he could never have, something neither of them would ever have.

When Genevieve joined the cast in 2008 Jensen knew that Jared was attracted to her. He knew Jared would have asked her out if not for the fact they were still in a relationship. Jensen also noticed how those close to the actors, and _the-powers-that-be_ were actively encouraging a liaison between Jared and Gen. It hurt, of course it did, but deep inside Jensen knew that this was the best way forward. 

He suggested that he move out of Jared’s apartment; he started to see Danneel on a regular basis, he slowly let his relationship with Jared become less physical, tried to think of the younger man as just a friend, his best friend, but just a friend nonetheless.

The weekend he got engaged to Danneel was the weekend Jared asked Gen to marry him. 

And then it was over.

****

The soft click of the nurse’s shoes on linoleum breaks Jensen’s reverie. He gives her a curt nod and then feels instantly guilty. It isn’t her fault and, to be honest, he isn’t sure whose fault it is.

Sherri is on her way from Texas, alerted by Jensen’s call. He is aware that when she finally gets here he will have to vacate his place by Jared’s bedside. He isn’t family, he isn’t a partner, he is just Jared’s best friend and he’s not even sure he’s qualified to be that anymore.

****

He knows Jared still hurt; he knew that, despite his marriage, Jared still wanted _them_. He also knew that Jared had worked hard to hide it, had retained that goofy exterior; had become quite the family man. Jared adored his sons and wouldn’t hurt them for the world. Jared had loved Genevieve too and he had moved heaven and earth to make her happy but she must have sensed something, must have realized because she had asked for a divorce and Jared, Jared had given it to her.

Jensen wasn’t blind; he’d seen the looks Jared had given him, seen how miserable Jared had been since the divorce came through. Deep down Jensen had to admit that his own marriage wasn’t all roses and buttercups but he’d stuck at it for Justice’s sake.

He stared back down at Jared’s sleeping form; Jared looked terrible, face sunken, hair all over the place, bruises beginning to form on his skin. Jensen had heard words like _brain damage_ and _severe head trauma_ and it made him sick to think what might happen if Jared either didn’t wake up, or woke up not knowing him.

He must have been sleeping; jerked awake suddenly, aware that someone was tugging at his sleeve. He looked down instantly to see Jared’s eyes wide open, staring at him with ill-concealed panic and fear. His hand was already tugging at the drip in his arm and Jensen put his fingers on Jared’s wrist, a quick and gentle comfort.

“Someone will help, Jay,” he whispered, relief flooding his veins as he realized Jared, at least, knew who he was. “Just keep calm.”

There was a lot of movement; people running in and out, doctors, nurses, other personnel. Jensen found himself relegated to the vending machines drinking cup after cup of coffee. He could smell his own sweat and he shuddered as he realized how much he had neglected his personal hygiene.

“Mr. Ackles?”

Jared’s doctor appeared beside him; he looked harassed but pleased.

“Yeah.” Jensen slumped against the vending machine, coffee still clutched in his limp hands. “Is he okay?” He swallowed, salt prickling his throat. “Is Jared, okay?”

“Technically he is fine.” The doctor’s smile was small, hesitant. “Physically he is doing well. There are no broken bones and only minor contusions.” He sighed and checked his notes. Jensen licked his dry lips, the unheard _but_ sitting between them ominously. “However, he does seem to have suffered some minor brain trauma. From our scans I would expect this to right itself eventually but at the moment he will need very careful handling and I need you to know just how to approach him.”

“Brian trauma?” Jensen would have fallen if the machine wasn’t holding him upright.

“Amnesia or a form of it; he knows who he is and where he is, he remembers his parents and his family, he can communicate intelligently, he knows his date of birth and he has answered other prudent questions but . . . there is no easy answer to this Mr. Ackles. Mr. Padalecki believes that the year is 2006, and he believes that he is in a relationship with you.” The doctor’s cheeks flushed a little. “A physical relationship,” he added. 

Jensen stared at him for a long moment.

“We were – we were together in 2006,” he said, eventually.

“I see.” The doctor smiled, his eyes a little sad. “I know this may be difficult but we have to treat Mr. Padalecki with the utmost care. We cannot allow him to suffer any great shocks to the system, we have to let his brain heal itself. Do you understand?”

Jensen nodded, comprehension dawning.

“I have to play along,” he said, finally. “I have to pretend that . . . . How can I do that? There are newspapers, the TV, - shit he has a family, kids. How can I pretend they don’t exist?”

“We can keep him in his own room for a while,” the doctor explained, carefully. “And then you can take him home. Maybe you can take him somewhere for Christmas.” He shook his head. “Somewhere remote, a _romantic_ interlude if you must. I know this all sounds rather excessive but we do not come across these cases very often. however when we do we have discovered that they need to understand for themselves rather than us telling them.”

“How long?” Jensen was shaking. “How long before he gets better.”

“We don’t know, it could be days or weeks, there are no real answers.” The doctor smiled again. “We will have counselors, medical personnel on call to help you deal with it. I know it is a lot to ask Mr. Ackles, but please, can you do this for us?”

Jensen breathed in hard through his nose and nodded.

“Yeah,” he said, finally. “Yeah, I can.”

“Then come with me. He’s asking for you.”

****

Jared was out of ICU; sitting up in bed and smiling. That was the first shock; how that smile made Jared suddenly look nine year’s younger, eyes bright and hopeful, dimples.

“Hey.” Jensen sat down on the bed feeling odd as if he were having an out of body experience. His heart was pounding loud in his own ears and his stomach hurt. He had no idea what to do or say. It was like some sort of weird and bizarre dream.

“Hey.” Jared put his hand on Jensen’s wrist, fingers stroking intimate. “They say I hit my head pretty hard.” He winced. “Certainly seems to be a massive lump there, but at least they didn’t have to shave my head.”

“Good thing.” Jensen’s mouth was dry. “Don’t want you bald for Christmas.”

“I’d forgotten it was so close.” Jared winced again and rubbed his head. “Do you think I’ll have to stay here?” his voice shook. “I don’t want to.”

“No – um – the doctors said I could take you somewhere quiet where you can convalesce. I thought maybe we could rent one of those little cabins just outside of Vancouver.” He swallowed down the sudden lump in his throat. “Buy a tree and everything.”

“What about your family?” There was a hope in Jared’s eyes he hadn’t seen in almost nine years. His friend had always wanted to do this, to spend some downtime together. So many years Jared had virtually begged to spend Christmas with him and he had always insisted they spend it with their families.

“You’ve got to be kept quiet and relaxed.” Jensen told himself it was only half a lie. “I can spend time with them after.” He forced a smile. “The crew have enough footage for the episode we were filming and have said we can finish for Christmas now.” That much was true. “We’re just gonna’ start our Christmas break a few days early, that way you should feel better once we pick up again in January.”

“That’s nice of them. “ Jared ran his hands through his hair. It was longer than it had been back in 06 and Jensen wondered what Jared must be thinking; how Jared could be so convinced that they really were just in the early stages of their relationship, their love affair. “Considering how we are only in our first season.”

“You’re important to them.” Jensen leaned forward and pressed his lips to Jared’s forehead. Jared caught him then and moved so that the second time their lips met. They hadn’t kissed in a long time but it came so easily to them that Jensen wondered why they had ever stopped. When they broke apart he was panting and Jared’s eyes were shining. “And you’re important to me,” he added. “You are so fucking important to me.”

****

His mom took his news with stoic silence; Jared’s mom with quiet understanding. Gen was more difficult to handle wanting to fly back to Vancouver and see for herself that Jared was okay.

“He won’t . . . at the moment he won’t know who you are,” it hurt to say the words. “He thinks its 2006 and that we are still in . . . ,” he paused as his throat closed. “I’m so sorry.”

“Tom is asking for him,” Gen sounded totally shocked and miserable. “He promised to ring every day.” There was a sound, a little like a sob. “Will he be okay?”

“They told me he will get better in time but we have to treat him with kid gloves for now.” Jensen rubbed his hand through his hair. “They don’t want him to have any shocks. Physically he’s fine.”

“I guess he’s happy,” Gen’s voice was low. “He always used to talk about _the good old days_. He loves you so much Jensen; always has and probably always will.”

Jensen tasted salt in his throat, eyes stinging. He knew that Jared still cared for him but love . . . .

“I’ll take care of him,” he promised. “We’ll be fine.”

****

Danneel was much harder to convince.

“It’s Christmas, Jensen – Christmas! You should be here with me and Justice not playing nursemaid to your co-star. Come on, how stupid does this sound? A condition where he thinks he is 2006. He’s just messing with you, just being selfish because of his divorce.”

“He’s not, Danneel. He really is sick. The doctors want me to take care of him, and it is the least I can do. He’s not been himself recently a-and . . . .”

“And what, Jensen? You think this is all your fault?” her voice cracked a little and he realized how upset she was. “Jensen, none of this is your fault.”

“Yes,” he was amazed that he was able to keep his voice steady. “It is my fault. He wanted us to be more permanent, more honest and I-I wanted to put my career first. That day in Kripke’s office . . . .” He gulped down tears. “I just want him to get better and if this is the way to do it, then I’m gonna’ take a chance.”

“I hope you don’t regret it.”

“I’m sure I won’t.”

****

The cabin, as promised, was small and cozy. There was a main room which was carpeted and warm with an open fireplace and a soft looking couch. The kitchen was well-stocked by the owners, everything you might want for Christmas and Jensen had brought more food with him; candy, a turkey, puddings and pies. There was a tiny bathroom with a shower cubicle and a john and there was one bedroom with a king sized bed. Jensen eyed it with some trepidation. It had been a long time, and he felt as if he were a virgin again.

“This is lovely.” Jared looked pale but happy. He ducked to get in through the door and Jensen frowned. Jared was so much bigger than he had been when they first met and yet he seemed to have no concept of this. Jensen patted the cell in his pocket, the hospital on speed dial. He wanted everything to go smoothly, wanted everything to be okay, but he had no idea what to expect and all he could do was to hope that he was doing the right thing.

“Yeah, well wait till we get a tree.” Jensen tried to throw himself into the proceedings. “There is a little town just down the road, nothing much, a bar and a general store but they’ll have what we need. The owners said we cut down our own fir.” He grinned. “Well I can, you’re under strict instructions to rest.”

“This is - I mean, if I’d have known all I had to do was knock myself out doin’ a stunt I’d have done it ages ago.” Jared grinned then. “I mean I never thought we’d get to spend our first Christmas together.” He frowned. “What did you tell our families?”

Jensen could see Jared was trying to recall something, saw a flicker of doubt at the back of his gaze.

“You told them we had to film right up to the last minute, remember?” He hated lying but he didn’t know what else to say. “We said we’d see them at New Year.”

“Yeah.” Jared still looked confused and he rubbed his head. “This is awesome,” he added, his smile returning.   
“We’ll be fine up here,” Jensen replied but deep inside he wondered who he was trying to convince, Jared or himself.

****

The fire was lit and it flickered across their faces as they settled down in front of it. Jensen had booked a cabin without a TV for a reason, he couldn’t risk Jared finding out anything so he’d more or less cut them off from the world. He had cut down a small tree and bought lights, tinsel and other baubles from the local store. Jared had watched in childlike wonder as he had put it all up and now the whole place seemed festive and ready. It would be Christmas Eve in a couple of days and Jensen had made sure there were stockings and family gifts in his trunk. He had told Jared’s family to buy things that wouldn’t arouse suspicion and they had complied. It was all so unreal, so complicated and yet here, huddled together on the couch, it seemed right somehow.

It was Jared who initiated it; soft kisses that lead to them lying on the rug in front of the fire, big hands splayed on Jensen’s back, hips moving together, need throbbing through him, need he thought he had gotten over. It had been years but it came back to him as if it were yesterday, the way Jared moved beneath him, the way he breathed Jensen’s name, the passion that flared between them, the affection, and the love.

Afterwards, they lay together in the huge bed and Jensen kissed Jared’s hair as he held him, his mind whirling. He watched Jared sleep then, his eyes stinging with tears as he realized just how much he had to regret.

****

It was cold enough to snow and, sure enough, on Christmas Eve the flakes started to come down enough for a sprinkling of white on the ground. Inside the cabin it was warm and womb like, Jared toasting smores over the fire, the tree lights sending multi-colored sparkles down onto his face.  
He looked much better already. His appetite was back to normal, his body starting to fill out again. Jensen wondered what he saw when he looked in the mirror, wondered if he still saw the slightly rangy boy he was back then or if he just didn’t realize he’d changed. Occasionally, Jensen would see confusion in Jared’s gaze and he would realize that Jared was trying to work something out. It happened more and more often and, although part of Jensen wanted Jared to remember, part of him didn’t.

He was enjoying their closeness again, enjoying the warmth; what’s more he was actually having fun. Jared was so happy and so carefree. Their relationship was back to how it had been right at the beginning and it was clear to him that Jared hadn’t been the only one pining. Now he had this again he wanted it. Not just for these few days, weeks, however long it took for Jared to remember but for life. He realized what a sham his marriage had been, even though he had his daughter to show for it. He cared about Danneel, even loved her in his own way, but he just didn’t love her the way he loved Jared and he wished that he hadn’t been so stupid. He wished fervently that he had realized it sooner.

****

Christmas day was full of love and laughter; they made love beneath the pine tree, lights reflected on their bodies, they went for a long walk in the forest, cooked a turkey and a pecan pie. Later in the evening they opened the stockings that they had _bought_ for each other. Jensen reacting to the gifts that he had actually _bought_ himself from Jared, the younger man frowning in confusion as he held his own gifts close.

“You know,” he said, voice rough. “I don’t remember buying those.” He scrunched up his face and shook his head. “Was memory loss a symptom of this?”

“Yeah.” Jensen gulped down the lump in his throat. “They said you might be a bit fuzzy on some things for a while.” He smiled, teeth clenched. “But you did a great job, Jared – thanks.”

“No problem.” Jared rubbed his eyes again and he really did look like the boy he had been back in 2006. “It . . . today . . . Christmas - it’s been wonderful.”

“It has, hasn’t it?” Jensen wanted to hug Jared to him and keep him like that. Jared hadn’t remembered Sandy or his dogs or anything else from this period of time, all he remembered is them, their love, and their relationship. Jensen realized now that this is what Jared had been pining for all those wasted years after their breakup. He suddenly realized how much Jared had tried to forget him, how he had made a good marriage, had two lovely sons and yet nothing really compared to this.

Jensen wanted it to stay this way but he knew that, inevitably, it wouldn’t.

****

**2015 – Two days after Christmas**

Jared opened his eyes and blinked against the bright light. His head didn’t hurt as much as he thought it should and there was a soft cotton pillow under his head that certainly didn’t belong to a hospital. He blinked once or twice and sat up, his head spinning a little. Last thing he remembered was flying into a wall and then nothing.

He didn’t recognize the room; it was big and airy, a quick glance out of the window showed him he was in the middle of a forest and he frowned. How the hell did he get here? Had he come here to convalesce? He looked down at himself and realized that he was naked, the space on the bed next to him still warm. Shit – what the fuck?

“Jared . . . ?” Jensen walked into the room; Jensen nude but for a towel slung low around his waist, his hair still damp from a shower. “Jared, come on and get your lazy ass out of bed! There’s bacon with your name on it.”

“What?” Jared wondered if he might be dreaming. He recalled how miserable he’d been before slamming into the wall, how he had stared through Jensen’s trailer window like some sort of stalker and now, now they were in bed together.

“Jared.” Jensen’s face went pale beneath the brown sprinkling of freckles. “Are you okay?”

“Where are we?” Jared asked, swinging his legs out of bed, suddenly acutely aware of his nudity.

“In the cabin,” Jensen’s voice was small then and he sounded nothing like himself. “We’ve been here since . . . ,” he paused suddenly and put his hand to his face going, impossibly, paler.

“Why are we in a cabin?” He felt confused, out of step somehow, the sight of Jensen standing there nude in front of him without a care in the world was making him even more muddled and he had no words.

“You . . . the doctors . . . they . . . .” Jensen sat heavily on the bed and put a hand on his shoulder. Jared could feel how much his friend was trembling and he couldn’t help himself. He pulled Jensen in and held tight. 

“I don’t understand,” he said, finally.

“You banged your head,” Jensen’s voice was quaking almost as much as he was. “They thought for a while you might die. There was so much fucking blood.” He grabbed Jared’s shoulders again, fingers digging in. “Then you woke up and you thought . . . you thought it was - oh fuck, Jared - I’m so sorry.”

And then Jensen was crying, real full on sobs, clutching him and wetting his skin, salt, sweat and tears mingling. Jared could only hold on, confused, worried and, frankly terrified of what might come next but, deep, deep inside there was something else stirring and he thought it might be hope.

****

Gen was crying when she picked him up from the airport and he gave her a reassuring hug. When Tom saw him there were tears on his little boy’s cheeks and his momma kept wiping her eyes as if she couldn’t believe that he was here and safe. Jared felt like the very sight of him seemed to make people upset but he understood they were just glad that he was okay.

Jensen had kept his distance since they had parted that day in the cabin. He hadn’t wanted that but the older man seemed to think he needed some space to think. He had spent a few days back in hospital being prodded poked and X-rayed and he was glad to be out again. Filming started back after Christmas hiatus in a week, no delays, so the crew were happy but Jared, Jared didn’t know how he felt.

He couldn’t quite get his head around what had happened; the fact he had thought it was 2006 and believed that he was still in a relationship with Jensen. What made it worse was that Jensen had gone along with it. Rationally he knew it wasn’t Jensen’s fault; that the doctors had wanted Jensen to do it but somehow that didn’t make it any better. 

He had seen something in Jen’s beautiful green eyes; he had seen how happy Jen had looked when he stepped out of the shower on that fateful morning. Jensen had - they had slept together, and Jared hadn’t remembered any of it. He hadn’t told anyone, how could he? He knew Jensen felt guilty because, technically, _this Jared_ hadn’t actually consented but he also knew that _2006_ Jared had been on board with it and, let’s face it, they were one and the same _Jared_. He still loved Jensen and he still wanted Jensen and if he didn’t want to spend another few years pining he had to make things right.

****

Jared stands at the door of Jensen’s trailer and takes a deep breath.

They are back on set, a couple of day’s rehearsal and then off they go again. It feels right, it feels good but Jared wants to make it even better.

He spent the whole previous night talking to Gen, listening to what she had to say. They were still friends after all, and he can hear her, _’go for it’_ over and over in his head like a mantra.

In some ways he wishes it was 2006 all over again, it was easier then, uncomplicated. Now things would be harder, there are kids to consider and, while Jared might be getting a divorce, Jensen is still married.

He opens the door, relieved that it isn’t locked and Jensen whirls around the instant he steps inside. Jensen is still in his _civvies_ , Dean’s clothes on the hanger in front of him. His cheeks flush red beneath those familiar freckles and Jared gives a hopeful grin.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen’s voice is rough and Jared wants to know what he is apologizing for.

“No need,” he manages. “You did what they asked you to. You didn’t have to do it, but you did it for me. You did it for us.” He puts his hand out and reaches his fingers as far as they can go. He snags Jensen’s shirt and tugs him a little closer. “I-I never stopped loving you,” he blurts it out fast before he can stop himself. “I still want you, Jensen.”

“Oh God.” And then Jensen is in his arms and they are kissing, kissing as if their lives depended on it. Kissing like it was the very first time, arms around each other and stupid tears pouring down their faces.

****

It isn’t going to be a picnic; there is still Danneel to consider, Justice, and his own kids. They still have _the-powers-that-be_ on their backs, they are still, to the public eye, two straight actors who play brothers.

At least now they are on the same page; no more pining, no more accidents, no more trips back into the past. The future is theirs to make, it is theirs to control and they are going to do it together.

End


End file.
